Timely sayings

Everyone, presumably, has those times he's in a moment and there's a perfect comeback or riposte that just doesn't occur to him until that moment has passed.  Some people are able to do it right away.  Others never get it.  Then there are those of us who have those few, shining moments that we remember forever.

The comments don't have to be incisive or particularly humorous.  They just have to be well-timed and somewhat amusing.  At least, that's my standard.

My alma mater has school colors of blue and orange.  For whatever moronic reason, it's chosen orange as the predominant color.  I don't like orange at all.  But I'm also Irish (lapsed) Catholic.  One time, a buddy of mine was telling me how I should wear an orange sweatshirt to show my school pride at a sporting event.  I told him that just wasn't going to happen, and he continued to chide me. 

"Jim," I said, "Irish Catholics don't wear orange."

Point, me.

Older brothers are supposed to torment their sisters.  It's like being the loyal opposition in politics.  I wasn't the worst brother ever, despite what my siblings think, but I had my moments.  One time, however, I wasn't being mean so much as honest and funny (well, in my opinion anyway), when my sister offered me some cookies she had just made.  She was probably around twelve or thirteen at the time, old enough to tease but still sensitive enough to be hurt.

I took a bite of one of her offerings and found it to be not only burnt, but tasteless as well.

In my inimitable style, I told her, "Meg, there are bakery goods and there are bakery bads.  These are bakery bads."  Thankfully, that was the last time I had to eat any cookies she made.  I did feel bad that I hurt her feelings, though.

The last one I can remember was when I was interviewed for a position that I had no intention of taking.  I took the interview merely to meet these titans of our industry and as a favor to a friend in the firm.  They asked me every violative question they could possibly ask -- how old was I?  how was my health? -- knowing full well it would be my word versus theirs if the EEOC were ever brought into it.

They had the policy of making their employees work every Saturday, and I told them that I'd work one out of every four Saturdays, but because I was going to get married soon, I didn't see working every Saturday being in my future.

The one employer who was playing the bad cop went Vesuvian, so the good employer tried to rein us back in by saying, "Let's see what we know about you:  We know you're young, we know you're relatively healthy and we know you're not gay because you told us you're getting married soon."

Disregarding the non sequiter for the moment, I knew exactly where it was coming from.  A few years before, one of their employees was cited for contempt for mouthing off to a judge.  It so happened the employee was gay.  In their minds, the employers equated homosexuality to mouthiness and, since I was obviously -- in their minds -- not gay, they wouldn't have to worry about that.

For once, the planets in my head aligned perfectly.

"No, I'm not gay," I replied calmly, "but I could be bisexual."

The blood in good cop's face drained slowly, much to my pleasure.

It was the best comeback since Churchill's, I must say.  Well, it's the best one I ever came back with.

Needless to say, I never got a call about the job.

(c) 2013 The Truxton Spangler Chronicles