Crash Davis-like rant

"Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

For fans of baseball movies, that memorable declaration was made by the character Crash Davis, played by Kevin Costner in the movie Bull Durham, only the best baseball movie ever (The Natural and Field of Dreams are good, too, but Bull Durham reigns supreme in this blog).  I've often thought about what I'd say if I were in a position like Crash Davis was, so today I'm going to give it a try.  Fortunately, I'm not limited by time constraints like Kevin Costner was. 

Therefore...I believe in reading hardback books and not Nooks or Kindles.  I believe in a United Irish Republic, the freedom to work in any state of the Union regardless of professional licensing and that the designated hitter, Astroturf and organized dance routines by professional athletes should be outlawed.  I believe that Isabel Allende will someday win the Nobel Prize for literature, that stuffing in the bird is better and not at all harmful and that gift cards are lazy presents.  I believe that casinos are bad and strip clubs pointless.  I believe that Democrats are hypocritical and Republicans are arrogant.  I believe that homeowners' associations are un-American and voting is a civic duty.  I believe that rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized swimming are not sports but neither is chess.  I believe that the mainstream media has a liberal bias and is not serving the country.  I believe that redheads are not only fiery but also sexy and playful.  I believe that Ford Frick was wrong to use the asterisk and should have recused himself from the debate (that one's for my girl).  I believe bar exams are a waste of time and continuing legal education is a joke.  I believe that Farrah Fawcett and Christie Brinkely were grossly overrated and that blondes as a rule receive more attention than they should.  I believe that my alma mater will one day win a national title in basketball and that the Cubs will win the World Series, both in my lifetime.  I believe that Sam Adams is the best beer in this country, Mahou is the best beer outside this country and Guinness is the only stout even worth discussing.  I believe much of modern art is self-indulgent, over-rated crap and funding such expression should not come from faceless taxpayers who can't afford it.  I believe bulldogs aren't aesthetically pleasing but are about the most affectionate pets to own, although I also believe owning three is more than enough.  I believe in buying domestic but also that domestic manufacturers cannot take their customers for granted.  I believe that both Rafael Palmeiro and Ryan Braun were clean and never took PEDs, but that Sammy Sosa spoke English fine enough to testify before Congress.  I believe that the internet gives people the virtual courage to say things they'd never say in person.  I believe that a person is entitled to feel more hurt when family or friends do things to them that, if a stranger did the same things, would warrant a harsh response.  I believe that chocolate chip ice cream is the best flavor and is only ruined by the addition of mint.  I believe a left-hander can't play the left side of the infield but that a right-hander is as good as a left-hander at first base.  I believe in instant replay for baseball.  I believe that FIBA rigs the sport to give other countries a chance to compete with the US.  I believe that La Alhambra is the most amazing place I've ever visited and Spain is the foreign country I'd live in given the opportunity.  I believe in the First Amendment but also in time, place and manner restrictions.  Furthermore, I believe English should be the language for all official business in the United States but that people should be free to express themselves in whatever language they like beyond that.  I believe French is given too much favorable attention and Spanish too little favorable treatment in this country.  I believe pizza isn't truly pizza without pepperoni and sausage or with anchovies and pineapple;   I believe the British have employed the longest and most effective public relations campaign in history and have duped more people than can even be counted.  I believe Celine Dion is goofier than most but can sing like few other.  I believe bullying doesn't end when children become adults.  I believe there are good cops but also that many are the kids who used to get taunted and teased in high school who now have authority and a weapon.  I believe green is the best color, autumn the best season and tea the best non-alcholic drink.  Finally, I believe I am the luckiest man in the world because I've met the woman who is perfect for me, a woman with infinite patience, sly wit and unbounded kindness.

(c) 2012 The Truxton Spangler Chronicles