Reality TV shows

The other day Karen and I were watching the final episode of the reality show Breaking Amish, a show that, if you've been watching it, may or may not be a hoax.  We'd gotten interested in the show because we'd caught some episodes of another, clearly legitimate, show about ex-Amish and their struggles outside the Amish communities.  This one was lame at best and deceptive at worst.\

After swearing during a commercial that were Breaking Amish renewed for a second season that we wouldn't watch it, our jaws thudded hard against the hardwood floor as we watched promos for a new show on the same channel entitled Amish Mafia.  Allegedly, five young men in Amish garb and brandishing weapons are the focus of a new series which, if the title and promo are to be believed, are hard-assed Amish men who break knees first and ask questions about the Bible second.  Coming on the heels of the ridiculously greenlighted Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Slayer, I thought to myself that there had to be some concepts that haven't occurred to the Left Coast yet that could grace our small and large screens soon and provide more jobs for unemployed actors and reality wannabes.  To that end, I offer some shows and the inspiration behind them:

Applying With the Stars (inspiration:  Dancing With the Stars):  Eleven B-level actors and actresses are put through tasks that high school seniors tackle every year:  Studying for and taking standardized tests, writing essays, researching papers, giving speeches in debate class, participating in extracurricular activities, trying out for the baseball, basketball or football teams.  The stars would be assisted in this by an unrecognizable yet well-credentialed college admissions dean who would prep them on their tasks each week and they would be graded by Joe Clark, Gabe Kaplan and Dennis Haskins.  The remaining portion of their weekly scores comes from the actual grades they get on tests and homework and audience voting.

Name That Music (Name That Tune, among others):  Contestants listen to songs and are challenged to name not only the title of the song and the group that recorded it, but must also sing one stanza of the song besides the refrain.  Bonus points are awarded for those who can sing on key.

Directionally Challenged (The Amazing Race):  Eleven pairs of directionally-challenged teams are dropped into an unfamiliar city and are tasked with getting from point A to point B without use of any aids other than a map.  They are given no money and cannot ask for help from the citizens of the place in which they are left.  Use of a GPS or handheld device is strictly prohibited.

Fantasy v. Real Life (Beat The Schwam):  Contestants are presented with challenged wherein they must choose between being involved in or keeping track of their fantasy sports leagues or living their real lives and keeping their families intact.

The Feminine Side (Switched):  Eleven married or engaged men compete to see who can handle ordinary tasks women face each day, including such things as wearing high heels and bras, cooking meals and doing laundry.  Contestants will be judged on the time it takes to complete each task and the accuracy of the job by the contestant.  Divorced women who are unrelated to the contestants will serve as judges.

Worst Handyman In America (Worst Cook In America):  Twelve mechanically-challenged homeowners compete to see who can be the best of the worst and win the $25,000 first prize.  Teams are chosen by the captains, Bob Vila and Lou Manfredini, who must instruct their charges on such things as how to use socket wrenches, what cross-threading is and how to repair and replace toilets.  Grief counselors and EMTs are on stand-by each episode.  Contestants are judged based on time and adequacy of repairs.  Each contestant must have both homeowners and health insurance.

Reality TV Pitchmen (The Dick Van Dyke Show):  Twelve contestants compete to see who can come up with the most out-there idea for a reality show.  Previous work in reality TV disqualifies applicants.

Deinking Masters (Ink Master):  Contestants compete to have their tattoos removed.  They are graded on the amount of ink removed from their bodies, the time it takes for the total removal of particular tattoos and the lack of crying during the process.

The Next NASCAR Star (The Next Food Network Star):  Twelve contestants are put through the process of turning them into NASCAR stars.  The winner will receive sponsorships to allow him or her to race either circuit the next season.  Competitions will include learning to turn left continuously while not falling asleep, slamming cars into competitors' cars to wreck them but keeping their own cars intact, learning how to chug milk, beer, soda and other beverages and learning how to fight.  Contestants who win challenges must signify their wins by shouting Shake and Bake, Babee! into the camera.

(c) 2012 The Truxton Spangler Chronicles