There are, however, some aspects of the holiday that I despise. No holiday is perfect, of course, and Christmas is no exception. Here, then, are some things about Christmas that I simply can't abide:
Christmas sale season starts too soon: When sellers are advertising their sales before Halloween, for crying out loud, there's something seriously wrong. It's bad enough that Thanksgiving, a very prominent holiday in its own right, is thereby diminished, but so too is Veteran's Day. Nevermind that by putting the focus on consumerism the real reason behind Christmas is lost. There's no way to control this, unfortunately, and the ads are about as bad as the incessant political ads during election years. About the only way these ads are better than the politicians' ads is that the Christmas season is shorter...so far.
Luxury car ads: To be sure, people with money celebrate Christmas. But this notion that there are lots of people buying expensive cars, then wrapping them with humongous red bows in the middle of their driveways -- with no one noticing, it should be said -- is poppycock. It also cracks me up that some of the people doing this are so young I wonder where they're getting their money to buy these cars. Furthermore, how is it that the car that is sitting in the driveway surrounded by snow isn't covered either in snow or salt along the bottom of the chassis? And just where does someone buy bows that big, anyway?
Radio stations playing nothing but Christmas music: I like Christmas music just fine. In fact, I even enjoy Christmas jazz, when during the year I can't tolerate jazz at all. The the incessant assault on my senses by the neverending repetition of Christmas music is just horrible.
Gift cards: These are a four letter word to me: L-A-Z-Y. It means, I don't care enough about you to actually put some thought into buying you a gift. The only caveat to this is that for stocking stuffers -- given along with other tangible gifts -- these are fine. But when someone hands a person an envelope with a plastic card in it and nothing more, that's just L-A-M-E.
Jews singing Christmas songs: Since when did Jews accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior? For the life of me, I don't understand their involvement in our religious holiday. By virtue of their involvement, they're basically trying to turn it into a secular, nondenominational holiday that everyone can enjoy. If they're willing to convert, fine. Otherwise, let us goyim have our own holidays, and we'll stay away from Hanukkah Harry. Come to think of it, I think I may have just hit on the reason for the early advertising season and the non-stop Christmas music....Barbra Streisand has enough money, she's intolerably liberal and she shouldn't be issuing recordings of Christian music. I love Idina Menzel and could listen to her sing all day. But I won't be buying her greatest hits Christmas album -- should she record one -- any time soon.
Weird Christmas confections: I eat more than my fair share of pies, cakes and cookies. But it seems that Christmas gives bakers a license to experiment with my taste buds. I'm not very adventurous when it comes to eating, and if I see something and can't readily identify what's in it, I'm not going to try it. And the overarching need to put glittery sparkles on everything just turns me off. I know: It's more for everybody else, and I'm quite fine with that.
Christmas weather: I love snow at Christmas. The problem is that we can't count on it. Typically what happens is that it's chilly and rainy on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, then it snows shortly thereafter. I know no one can control the weather, but there's something wrong with grey, boring, drippy weather on Christmas.
New covers of Christmas classics: To be fair, successive generations are entitled to make their own memories of Christmas, and if that involves covering classic songs or remaking movies, I suppose that's to be expected. Just do it well. Listening to some weird, stylized version of Silent Night just doesn't do anything to ring in the season. And having Dyan Cannon try to redo Christmas in Connecticut is nothing more than desecration.
Do They Know It's Christmastime?: Leave it to the Brits to lay on the schmalz. I forget the inspiration behind this We Are The World wannabe effort, and I really don't care. Having enough tone-deaf singers involved in this project to make Bob Dylan feel at home only adds to the dysfunction.
Wrapping presents: This is highly personal for me. I know that there are other times when gift wrapping is expected, but Christmas is the Super Bowl of gift wrapping. Accordingly, I am about as welcome when it comes to gift wrapping at Christmas I stink. Karen says otherwise but I know she's just being nice. I really do stink at it.
Ugly Christmas sweaters: I understand why people chuckle at these, but I don't see the need to affirmatively seek out these sweaters and wear them to parties. If I were going to do something similar, I'd get one of those horrid 1980's Houston Astros uniforms:
or a vintage Vancouver Canucks sweater:
Besides, at my size, if I could find one of these in my size and wore it outside, I might be mistaken by an overeager hunter and shot dead:
That wouldn't be very festive.
(c) 2014 The Truxton Spangler Chronicles
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