What goes up, must come down, Isaac Newton famously said, and he has been proven correct. An object is either at rest or moves at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an external force. That's actually his first law. When one body exerts force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction to that of the first body. That's Newton's third law; his second is too long to retype and it confuses me anyway -- something about F=ma.
There's no doubt that Mr. Newton was an observant and intelligent man, years ahead of his time. No matter how perceptive and skillful he was, Ike missed a couple of natural laws that are as immutable as the ones he set down. Needless to say, they are as unerringly accurate as Newtonian laws and are based on the same infallible experimental tools as observation and repetition in real life trials.
Cord Wrappus: This can happen with any cord, but mostly happens with vacuum cords. When vacuuming a rug, the cord will always wrap around a table or underneath a door, causing either the table to move, the vacuum to pull or the cord to stick under the door. It's doubtful whether Ike could see this one coming.
Refrigerator Bombs: The cold within a refrigerator can cause expansion in foods that, upon the door being opened, thereby creating additional space, cause the foods to fly out onto the floor. A corollary to this law is that the food so ejected is usually the one that is planned for lunch or dinner...as happened to me this morning.
Selective Forgetfulness: When confronted by a list of things that need to be recalled later, the single most important of them will be the one most likely to be forgotten.
Cable Outage: Another one probably beyond Ike's ken, whenever a much anticipated show is awaited, the cable will go out.
Geriatric Lane-Hogging: Although this typically refers to automobiles, Ike may have noticed this with horse and buggy arrangements. Whenever speed is essential, a geriatric will necessarily occupy the position immediately in front of the person in the same lane. In Ike's time and place, stone walls were a problem. Now it's faster traffic in the other lanes.
Change Interruptus: When purchasing something for a small amount, it never fails that I lack the smaller denominations to pay for it and have to use a twenty, resulting in the small change that I could have used to pay for the item.
Toilet Paper Two-Step: Who hasn't used the bathroom only to find out that the toilet paper is gone or nearly gone...and there are no replacement rolls nearby?
Plunger Envy: A closely related law to the Toilet Paper Two-Step, this only occurs when one needs to be out the door quickly. And the plunger is never in the bathroom where it's needed; it's in the bathroom where it was needed last, which can't possibly be the same one in which it is now needed.
Key Roulette: That two keys are so similar on the same key ring only means that it will always happen that when the needed key is sought, the key that won't work will be found first. This usually happens while struggling with grocery bags.
Alarm Clock Misfires: There is absolutely no rationale for this: When needed, the alarm will not go off for whatever reason. When it is going to work, I wake up every hour on the hour to make sure I don't miss the alarm clock not going off, which only ensures that it will go off twenty minutes after I've finally fallen asleep. Mr. Newton assuredly had it easier with roosters only.
Daylight Savings Denial: Mr. Newton never had to deal with this, and lucky for him that he didn't. No matter how much I'm supposed to get to sleep when we fall back in the autumn, I never get to either because the dogs wake us up, or I'm thinking about something too much, or my internal clock still controls me. It's a bitter disappointment.
Parking Space Roulette: If I look for a parking space, spots open up where I can see them but can't get to them before another car does. Or if I find what I think is a space, a pick-up truck is straddling the lanes so that I could get in the space, but I'd never get out of the car. I've spent five to ten minutes in parking lots looking for available spaces. Ike never had these problems because he could park his buggy or horse just about anywhere.
Costcoitis: Certainly unheard of by Isaac, this is peculiar to Costco where if they have an item that I really, really like, they'll discontinue it within a few months without warning. When I ask them whatever happened to it, they act like they never heard of it before.
Karen's Too Nice Rule: Luckily for Mr. Newton, he never met my Karen. Karen will witness someone being rude, then tell me about it and forbid me from taking the person to task. I suppose she's just more civilized than I am, but it grates nevertheless.
Coupon Obfuscation: No matter how assiduously I keep track of my grocery coupons, they always get lost. Presently, they're MIA.
(c) 2014 The Truxton Spangler Chronicles
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