There is no question that when it comes to technology, I'm a Luddite. I admit it. I'm not proud of it, but facts is facts. Karen always says that for someone so (allegedly) smart, I sure can be pretty stupid when it comes to technology. Actually, she says goofy, but I know what she really means. And she's right. But just because someone's smart doesn't mean they can understand everything and do it competently. For example, I don't recall reading that Albert Einstein, the father of the theory of relativity, could hit a curveball. I could. I don't think Albert understood the Spanish subjunctive either. I do.
But I digress. I'm not making excuses for my obvious shortcoming. It certainly gets in my way at times. Yesterday, my overly patient assistant Mary was asking me what I wanted for my password for this new, super whizbang office phone to which we're transitioning our phone lines. Before I give my password out -- which will help absolutely no one, which you'll see in a minute -- one has to know that this phone can do basically everything except cook dinner and take out the garbage. Among the other features it provides direct access to my phone of emails that I receive which would be great if I had a smart (Smart?) phone. But I don't. I purposely have a dumb phone because, in my Luddite version of the world, my phone should be for making phone calls and nothing else. I don't have the need or desire to play games on it, read books, take photos or any of the multitudinous other things that smart (Smart?) phones can do. Heck, I can barely hear Karen half the time on the darned thing. I'd settle for good reception.
Anyway, Mary gets done explaining all these nifty things to me that sound very much like blah, blah, blah to me and asks, now what do you want for your password? Without missing a beat I tell her Iwillneverusethisthing, and she laughs. I said, No, I'm serious (I wasn't really, but what the heck), and she laughs again and starts typing it. It tells her that it needs to have a number, so I tell her to put a twelve after it, resulting in the ridiculously unsecurity-conscious password of Iwillneverusethisthing12. I doubt I'll ever use it.
I'm not a Luddite in the true meaning of the word. I don't abhor progress. I even use the computer now and then. But it's a constant struggle for me. Let's examine my record with technology:
Recently I was told that I had a message on my office phone and that to retrieve it, I had to push the button with the blinking light on the phone. I kept pushing the light that was flashing, not noticing the button on the console that also had a tiny light that would have allowed me to retrieve my messages.
The headlight on my car went out, so being the cheap person I am, I bought replacement bulbs and looked up on youtube how to replace the bulbs. I dutifully did everything it told me to do and still couldn't replace the bulb, so I ended up taking it to a body shop where they replaced the headlight for me instead of the high beams I had been unsuccessfully and erroneously trying to replace.
It was only when I had to replace the rear brakelight that I was successful using a socket wrench. I had never before used a socket wrench successfully.
I bought a chainsaw and had to take it back to Home Depot to have them instruct me on how to get it started.
When I replaced the toilet a few months ago, I was told it would take me at most four hours. It took me three days.
I'm expert in hitting three or four keys at once on my keyboard and making my document disappear, reformat or replace text with different fonts or old text I'd previously deleted. When I ask a techy to help me figure out what I'd done, he can't.
When I go to the bodyshop or the parts store and they ask me what kind of motor I have I'm clueless. You'd think I'd have memorized it by now.
I keep my Ipod on shuffle. Somehow, it stopped shuffling music. Then I called the Apple store to ask them about something and casually mentioned that the thing had stopped shuffling songs even though I'd set it on shuffle on my Itunes. The guy patiently told me I had to also set it to shuffle on my Ipod. (In my defense, the wonks that run Apple seem to think that their products are so intuitive that the manual they included in the box that contained my Ipod was written in Osmotic, a language I don't understand).
I routinely can't conference telephone calls. Don't even ask me why.
I could go on forever. This is but a taste of my ineptitude with technology. Our grandfather took apart and rebuilt a Model T when he was a teenager. I'm sure my grandfather is spinning in his grave so fast that he's probably near China right now. I can't help it. This stuff just isn't intuitive to me.
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While I've been typing this and waiting for the person on craigslist to tell me whether the other person has come to take the chairs I so desperately need for my office, I trolled the internet (OK, nbcnews.com and espn.com) and found these two gems.
I'm no fan of Gwyneth Paltrow, despite the fact that she speaks Spanish with a Castilian accent. I find her pretentious beyond belief. You can only imagine the howls this site provided me:
http://jezebel.com/5971671/do-make-be-barf-the-year-in-goop
Absolutely hilarious.
The other is about the coach of the Florida Gulf Coast Eagles whose team yesterday achieved an improbable upset of Georgetown in the NCAA tournament. Since I'd never heard of the guy I checked it out. Whoever did this page did a great job with it:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjkiebus/this-is-what-happens-when-you-practice-your-free-throws
Then I followed the links at the bottom of that page and came up with this:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jpmoore/every-march-madness-school-ranked-by-their-most-embarrassing
Even Karen might find that one amusing if she takes the time to scroll through it. The payoff should make her smile.
Finally, there are actually some funny jokes in this one about Harvard's upset win over New Mexico. But beware: It involves Sports Crappola:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ktlincoln/the-31-best-jokes-about-harvards-march-madness-win
(c) 2013 The Truxton Spangler Chronicles
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