Ugly Studs

Since I wrote a blogpost on women who are held out as beauties whom I find less than appealing, I think it's only fair that I do the same for men.  The problem, of course, in that writing this piece, I expose myself to multiple but competing charges:  One, that I'm jealous of these men and the women they attract and two, that I'm gay.  I'm neither jealous of any of these men nor am I gay...not that there's anything wrong with that.

There are guys who end up with beautiful women that leave me scratching my noggin.  By no means am I in the class of George Clooney or Brad Pitt, but some of these guys...let's just say they must have other endowments that recommend them to women.  Sure, athletes and musicians and rich people necessarily attract women no matter what they look like.  But that doesn't mean we have to hold them out as being among the handsomest men around.  It just means they have the wherewithal to attract beautiful women no matter how ludicrous it would be if they lacked the athletic prowess, celebrity or wealth with which God endowed them.

Here, then, is my completely arbitrary list totally devoid of envy:

Tom Cruise:  Please.  The man's 5'7" to begin with.  He has the profile of a shark.  He's batsh*t crazy and a Scientologist to boot.  The only thing he has is a smile and a healthy head of hair.

John Travolta:  By no means nearly as obnoxious with his Scientology as the man above him, I've just never understood this one.  He seems like a  nice enough guy, but he too is weird.  With that nose that never ends and his penchant for dressing absurdly, I just don't get it.

Jake Gyllenhaal:  This guy looks like a neanderthal.  Sure, he can bulk up for a role, but that face? His jawline has the contour of a shovel.  And he has questionable taste in women, what with that whole Taylor Swift dalliance.

Adam Duritz:  Courtney Cox.  Mary Louise Parker.  Monica Potter.  Emmy Rossum. Even Jennifer Aniston, whom many believe is gorgeous.  This guy looks like an oversized furball some cat coughed up.  He may be the nicest guy ever, but for crying out loud...

Anthony Kiedis:  Another of the great unwashed, his features are better suited to character actors than Lotharios.  Still, it's the bad boy musician thing.

David Schwimmer:  This is the Friends effect.  Both he and Jennifer Aniston benefited from being on that show.  At least Ms. Aniston can act.  Mr. Schwimmer reminds me of the goofy guy in high school who tried out for plays so he could get girls, because that was about the only way he was going to get close to them.

Bradley Cooper:  Mr. Cooper's not unattractive, he's just not as attractive as he's made out to be.  He seems like a nice enough guy, and he's a good actor.  But he's no Adonis.

Joe Jonas:  Just because.

Donnie Wahlberg:  Contrary to what anyone thinks, no matter how hot Jenny McCarthy is, I'm not jealous of this guy.  I just don't see how he's attractive in the slightest.

Adrian Grenier:  If things were any different, he could be a hot ethnic woman.  He's not a good looking man.  Just sayin'.

John Cusack:  I'm not sure he's regarded as handsome, but I know there are women who drool over him.  His face is pinched and I hear he's not exactly the nicest guy.

Javier Bardem:  Despite my love of all things Spanish, this guy is not remotely attractive.   Sure, Penelope married him, but that was almost a dynastic arranged marriage.  He's another one who would be better cast as the heavy in movies rather than the love interest.  Great actor, though.

Tommy Lee Jones:  Just kidding.

Dennis Quaid:  On what level is this guy good-looking.  No, I'm not confusing him with his uglier brother Randy.  I just don't see it.  As with Mr. Gyllenhaal, he has a shovel face that doesn't say male perfection to me.  His choice in women is also questionable.

(c) 2015 The Truxton Spangler Chronicles